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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Downpour of blessings

I thought my luck has bid me goodbye with the closing of my year, 2012, the year of the Dragon in the Chinese calendar. But what happened today just proves that the good things that happened to me last year may just be a series of icings in my career's cake.

It was 3PM and my classmates in German 10 and I decided to leave CAL 503 (our room) since it seems that our professor in the subject will not be coming anymore. UP's rule is that students can leave the room if their teacher don't come within the first 30 minutes of a 1 and 1/2 hour class. I felt that her absence today is a blessing in disguise because I haven't read my share in the colloquium in my MA class.

I decided to buy a can of ice cold coffee in a store in front of the Faculty Center. When I went out, I saw my former professor, who is known for her extremely high standards in the teaching-learning process especially among graduate students of the University. She is one of those professors who seems hard to please which makes earning a good grade in her class a proof that you are worthy to be called a UP student. I am lucky to have earned exceptionally good marks in the two MA courses I took with her.

I greeted her and when I was about to turn my back, she called me to tell me a very important matter. She asked me if there's someone who approached me already. Her first sentence immediately made me nervous. I asked her what she means. And she replied with a motherly tone: "Dr. Muhi (?) asked me for a graduate student in the program to present a paper in a colloquium, and I recommended you..."

I didn't know how I should reply, but what went out my mouth was Thank you po!, although at the back of my mind, I was thinking of how I could say no because it will surely be another thing to think about.

She told me that this Dr. Muhi prefers a graduate student in the program who is in the thesis stage, but she said that she reasoned that I already have presented papers abroad, and that she thinks she knows that I know what I am doing. "Kaya kapag may lumapit sa'yo at nagtanong tungkol don, e ako ang may kasalanan..." (So if someone approaches you and asks you about it, it's my fault.).

My mouth let out: "Thank you po talaga Ma'am. It's an honor in my part", coupled with that distinct smile. She told me that she'll send the whole information to me as a personal message in Facebook when she receives word about the conference.

I continued walking toward the store, but the thought seemed to be processed by my brain only then. I became excited at first, then I realized that the audience would most likely be fellow academics/ graduate students of the University of the Philippines-Diliman. The thought of being watched and most likely being scrutinized by the premiere academic community in the country is unbearable. I thought that having the guts to face them may turn out to be fatal to my blossoming career.

But the problem is, it seems like I didn't have a choice in the first place. As always, I just looked at the bright side. I tried to console myself for my looming career death by telling myself that I should be happy since they recognize my potential as a researcher, and that they are confident in my capabilities to carry out research in my program that deserves attention from language scholars in the field.

Then I started to question my capabilities. I tried to reflect and for me, what I have done and what I have achieved so far is nothing compared to the achievements of many people I know, some of whom I idolize, which leaves me thinking that I am not worthy of being recommended at all at this stage.

However, if I would say no to such an unexpected offer, which my mind later on realizes to be a wonderful opportunity, I might crush the heart of that great professor who believes in me. I tried to believe that this professor of mine would't really vouch for me if I haven't proven myself to be worthy of that recommendation.

And so, I was left with thanking our merciful God in heaven for another career-lifting and confidence-building opportunity he sent from above. Then I prayed that I wont disappoint the people who believe in me.

Well, I guess I have to ready myself for yet another year full of downpour of blessings.

To God be all the Glory!